Yes Nein

I can see it in her.

In hazel eyes a desire to make it ok.

A strangling desire.

Mirroring mine.

Words come clipped and tense

For two days we broke upon eachother. Fearing, hoping that before us lay something we'd dreamt of since ancient times. To be this close, to delight in eachother's every move, whisper, gesture, caress. Fantasies they've made of this but nothing to touch our simple ecstasy.

The waters hold all flowing motion between us and we bathe deep.

To drown and realise we never needed air.

Though fearing hope commands that what we thought was not possible

is not.

On surfacing you accomodate me less. Grasp too far to hold me but in getting away you only reach more.

I despise you. Am I a saviour from your morning boredom? From your fear that the waters won't let us breathe?

We're now I and you.

No longer one

and the desert descends.

I gave fully and now your arms tell me it's not enough. They clutch. Threaten.

Your confusion reflects and you believe I don't love you. That before was an act to seduce, a billowing of fantasy? What can I do before these pincers but shut? Walk away, love you from a distance. You strike me deep and make me responsible for a past I cannot change.

And so loving you, I leave.

I should have been stronger. Allowed you to cling, drenched you more or pushed you firmly rather than lie silent, withered by pity and a fear not to hurt. Held back by a feeling of being cheated by your own lack of faith. I could have let that go.

This great swarm of Man's play and our little story has such little effect. But for this little man, he grieves and forgives. Turns lion's heart to the next abundant showing.

You challenged me and I love you. Grateful for the lesson that there's no longer a choice to speak less than truth, let clarity shine. But I was not clear, so we suffered.

There cannot be any blame in this. I love you and see, as you do, that it is not our time.

Resolution marks the fearful man's prayer. So I'll keep myself open but knowing that closing is easier for both of us to bear.

Love, like it never felt like dying,

S